The Wiwi Jury Reviews San Marino’s Valentina Monetta with “The Social Network”

Today the Wiwi Jury—our in-house panel of music un-professionals—headed to San Marino where we attempted to have cybersex with Valentina Monetta. Just kidding. We were actually there to review her Eurovision entry “The Social Network.” Did we have digital chemistry? Or did we shut down our computers and Valentina’s chances at climbing the Wiwi Table? Read on to find out.

Wiwi: When I saw the official video for the original version of this song, I laughed and cried and laughed again. First of all, the name was ridic. “Facebook Uh Oh Oh”? That’s a sound my stomach makes when I’ve eaten too many beans. Second were the lyrics. I was like, “Did she really just rhyme ‘cup of tea’ with ‘make love with me’?” But then I saw her perform the second iteration of her song (“The Social Network”) live at Eurovision in Concert, and I realized that Miss Valentina Monetta has sass, and she proves that white girls can shake that ass! Her first rehearsal at Eurovision solidified my belief that she can defy the bookies and log-in to the final. She’s already shown perseverance: having to re-write portions of your song at the last minute must be seriously stressful. Now she’s gonna show Europe that hip-hop and cheesy lyrics do, in fact, go together. That she has done, and will do, all of this with a smile warms my heart.

Score: 8.5/10

Vebooboo:  Ok, at first I was a big hater of Valentina and her “Social Network” song. The first time I listened to it, all I could think of was “WTF??!!” But this thing has grown on me like a wart on a professional swimmer. It doesn’t go away and eventually he just accepts it. Well, I’ve gone even a step further now…I LOVE this song. It has major spunk — I mean, what other Eurovision song in the past challenges the norm and asks listeners if they want to have cybersex again? I’m not so sure how many viewers will understand what Valentina is singing about, but the randomness of the song and act will stick in their minds. If the jury doesn’t completely bash this, then it has a small chance of making the Final. I wish it the best, because I’m like Sanna Nielsen and “I’m in love.”

Score: 8/10

Meows Kitty: Can. Not. Stop. Laughing. Finally, a song about Facebook. I’ve been waiting for this day my entire timeline! I wish the movie The Social Network hadn’t come out yet just so this could be the theme song. I actually think this song might do quite well given that most people will find it relatable (except for the part where she asks the man who looks like he could be her dad, ‘So you want to make love with me?’). I mean come on. People who don’t have Facebook are clearly losers and losers do not watch Eurovision.

Score: 6/10

Deban: Probably the most ingenious woman of the modern age, Valentina Monetta defied the EBU when her song initially titled ‘Facebook’ went down like a lead balloon with assessors and music critics alike. Following accusations of promoting commercial interests, she promptly dropped the 11 Facebook references in her song, replaced it with Uh Oh Oh, and soldiered on with exactly the same song, rebranded as “The Social Network.”

Columbia Pictures, please take note. This could also be inadvertently promoting the film of the same name that garnered eight academy award nominations. Either way, what seems vital to San Marino at this point given their recent ESC history is PR. Douzepoints for that, but sadly, song quality isn’t a consideration whatsoever.

That being said, Valentina gives this song the parody it needs to survive the 3 minute curtain call. She’s 37, but looks 13, and writhes in front of her laptop. She sings almost entirely in auto-tune, and makes no apologies for substituting gibberish for words. As a matter of fact, in a recent interview I conducted with her, she told me “Uh Oh Oh” is part of a universal language, especially in social networking circles.

Despite the ridiculousness of the official video and the revised official video, she manages to keep a straight face. This defiance was enacted in the first rehearsal to great success. I was buying into her. Suddenly, her ideology seemed believable, and the theories that support this entry somehow came to fruition. Life is all about connections. Europe is all about unity. If the internet provides that connectivity through the medium of cybersex, who’s to blame? According to our San Marinise sex kitten, it’s total gain in a fair game when you click your mouse. Many bookies have predicted a Top 5 finish for San Marino. Laughable at first, but they may well be right.

Score: 5/10

The Wiwi Jury Verdict: 6.88/10

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