Georgia: Wiwi Jury reviews The Shin & Mariko with Three Minutes to Earth

Last night the Wiwi Jury—our in-house panel of musical unprofessionals—watched a suckling pig roast on a spit at Tsiskvili, an amazing restaurant and water mill museum in Tbilisi. Then we got down to the important business of reviewing The Shin’s Eurovision 2014 song “Three Minutes to Earth”. Was it out of this world—or simply lost in space? Read on to find out…

“Three Minutes to Earth” Reviews

Angus: As in 2012 I still can’t actually make it through the entire Georgian song. The truly bizarre mix of hippy message, folk music and yodelling truly rubs me up the wrong way. The diction is also pretty terrible and I’m terrified of the female singer. Georgia does at least get points for the random chorus…I’ve got no idea what skydivers are doing in orbit but the Georgians carry it off as if they’re just running of a shopping list. So bravo for that if nothing else.

Score: 3/10

Anthony: Having survived Anri Jokhadze’s “I’m A Joker” in Baku, I thought, “Surely this is as low as Georgia can go”. Two years later, however, I realize that I was completely wrong. Coupled with baffling lyrics, “Three Minutes to Earth” is so unbearably dull and cheesy, it makes watching paint dry look like an Olympic event. I’d rather rave to PingPong’s “Be Happy” at the Euroclub than have to go through all this again. Just like Anri in 2012, I am desperately hoping that Georgia takes an early exit this year. “Three Minutes To Earth”? More like three minutes on my toilet break when this comes on. In the words of Nicki French: “Don’t Play That Song Again”!

Score: 1/10

Georgia, Men of the Shin, 3

Bogdan: Apparently Georgia wanted to remind us that this is a song contest and submitted a jazzy tune with folk and world music influences. “Three Minutes To Earth” takes almost one minute to take off and,  just when I feel like I get where it’s going, poof!, it ends crashes. This would be great on the stage of Montreux, but in Copenhagen it will sound terribly out of place and anachronistic. Yes, Eurovision is a song contest and the Georgian entry is a song, but that’s not enough.

Score: 3/10

Deban: The enigma was sacrificed seconds after the folky wail. Why even attempt to present this in English? Alas, this is what Georgia does best–shocking the entire continent! I applaud acts that inject uniqueness and originality. However, The Shin & Mariko (S&M??) aren’t drawing new beginnings here. They’ve retraced Woodstock, but very badly. The video, which only non-voting nationals, and die-hard Eurovision fans will see, is the only slightly redeeming feature of this song presentation.

Score: 1.5/10

The Shin Eurovision Georgia

Vebooboo: The Shin asks us to show them the stairway to get back to Earth. After suffering through 3 minutes of torture, Ima close the door to that stairway and lock up the key deep in my nether region where nobody will want to go. I mean, when this “song” starts I literally have a vision of being on a remote Native American reserve in New Mexico surrounded by people performing a raindance. Then all of a sudden some crazy Afro hairdo woman starts shrieking and dancing awkwardly, and the whole thing goes from surreal to literally out of this world. Just like the female singer, this song never establishes any form of rhythm and remains a constellation of random sounds, shrieks, squeals, and movements. Think Jackson Pollock on a bad day, scattering feces all over a canvas. Now sign that canvas with The Shin’s name and you’ve got the picture. Needs to go.

Score: 1/10

Billy: That’s hilarious! The rather scant lyrics — mostly “yeah, yeah, hooo” — are repeated while Mariko shrieks. They may think bringing some folklore decorations and interperative dancers will help them reach the final, but they’re wrong. And by the way: have they stiched together two separate songs?!

Score: 1/10

Georgia, Mariko, 2

Padraig: “Three Minutes to Earth”? More like three minutes of glorified noise. It’s basically a hotchpotch of musical calamities. Between the caterwauling, the dodgy strings and vocals reminiscent of Miranda’s Heather Small impersonations, I struggle to pinpoint the worst aspect of the song. The whole thing is a mess, way past the point of redemption. There are no quick fixes which could possibly make this din anyways palatable in time for Copenhagen. By far the worst entry of 2014.

Score: 1/10

James L: Do they know they’re from the Tbilisi, Georgia and not the Atlanta, Georgia? There’s something about the acoustic guitar yodeling that just screams down-home country bluegrass. Nothing wrong with that, but The Shin take it to a bizarre place with mumbly vocals and discordant string-plucking that just sound a bit too free-spirited. And if their presentation video is at all a preview of their stage act, the heavy smoke machine and extra zombie hippies wandering around will just add to the “huh?” effect.

Score: 2/10

Georgia, Mariko, 1

Katie: This is definitely the “WTF?” song of Eurovision this year. What’s going on? Is it traditional Georgian music? I doubt it… I just don’t understand! They all seem a bit possessed, banging on their instruments and wailing in the middle of all that smoke and fake grass. The woman looks like Kelly Hoppen, but she does have a nice voice. It’s a shame that I don’t have a bloody clue what she’s singing about! It’s just all a bit weird, and I’m bored by the end of it. Nothing exciting happens, there isn’t much of a change in dynamic apart from a load of feathers appearing out of nowhere! Although I do hope that they bring the Hawaiian shirts and REALLY odd dance moves to Denmark. One word to describe this song: Odd. It’s three minutes that I could really do without in Copenhagen.

Score: 3/10

Wiwi: Continuing the trend whereby Georgia’s Junior Eurovision contestants outshine their adult counterparts, The Shin feat. Mariko whips out a can of crazy and leaves me saying WTF? I’m fairly certain that drugs were involved in the filming of the video. I appreciate their originality—and Mariko’s ability to werk that handshaker. I just wish the song was more cohesive. It’s like they threw 17 different genres in a blender and hoped it would come out OK. The result is colourful yet bland, unique yet totally unpalatable.

Score: 1.5/10

All 19 members of our jury rate each song. However, we only have room to share 10 written reviews. Here are the remaining nine scores.

Francheska: 0.25/10

Zach: 3.5/10

Mario: 1/10

Patrick: 0/10

Mike: 3/10

Maxim Montana: 4/10

Ramadan: 1/10

Sami: 0/10

William: 3.6/10

The highest and lowest scores are removed before calculating the final score. We have dropped a low of 0 and a high of 4.

The Wiwi Jury Verdict: 1.79/10

You can check out our latest Eurovision 2014 reviews and rankings on the Wiwi Jury page. You can keep up-to-date on the latest Eurovision news and gossip by following the team on Twitter @wiwibloggs and by liking our Facebook page.