Last year Lithuania stumbled out of Eurovision during the second semi-final, despite the pants-dropping theatrics of funk group InCulto (the group that railed against all y’all anti-immigrant groups in Western Europe). Hoping to improve on that disappointing result, the Baltic nation held its first semi-final on February 5, allowing three of 14 acts to move on to the final. Here’s Wiwi’s take on the qualifiers.

1. Sasha Song – The Slogan Of Our Nation

Sasha must be counting his lucky stars that he’s relatively famous in Lithuania. That he represented the country at Eurovision in 2009 is the only way to explain how he advanced from last night’s semi-final. His attempt at an inspirational ballad comes off remarkably flat, and the lyrics suggest he is seriously cocky. It’s as if he’s telling the nation he’s the only singer with the experience to fly their flag in Dusseldorf: “I’ve done it, I’ve been there/ And I know I’m the best/ You know it, you’ve seen it/ And to hell with the rest/ Here I am.” Wiwi just threw up. If only Sasha were as understated and down-to-earth as in 2009, when he won Wiwi’s search for Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model.

The Independent – 7th Bus

Parents: don’t encourage your children to pursue their dreams if they aren’t good enough to make a legitimate go at it. This song is utterly forgettable. The group’s cookiness and charm — nice expressions on the drummer — get totally drowned out by the incessant beating and banging and clanging.

Monika – Days Go By

The best part of this song is the close-up of Monika’s fake eyelashes in the opening bars. Not a good sign of things to come. “Time goes by/ Tears get dry/ And this time/ They dissolve my sigh.” Honey, cry me a river so they’ll dissolve this appalling song!

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