This week on the Wiwi Show, Wiwi and Vebooboo get the giggles while discussing Cyprus’s Ivi Adamou and San Marino’s Valentina Monetta; we review the current standings in our search for Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model; the Wiwi Jury issues its verdict on Ukraine, Turkey, and Iceland; Bulgaria and Holland release their official Eurovision videos; and Sweden’s Loreen hides her back-up vocalists. You can listen to the show below, and follow along with the text that follows.

LISTEN:

Wiwi: Hello Europe! It’s Wiwi calling from WiwiBloggs.Com. It’s been another busy week on Planet Eurovision, so grab a spoon and get ready to dig in to all the gossip and scandal. Joining me as always is my trusted partner in crime, a man with a vision we call the Eurovision, Mr. Vebooboo Nadella! Vebooboo, welcome!

Venu: Haaaay Wiwi. How you doin’?

Wiwi: I’m doing rul rul good. What about you boo?

Venu: Oh I’m doing rul rul good too. That’s because next Saturday on April 21, Wiwi and Vebooboo will be in Amsterdam at the fourth annual Eurovision in Concert—the largest Eurovision pre-show on the continent!

Wiwi: That’s right Vebooboo. Twenty-four countries will be participating in the event including representatives from Azerbaijan, Malta, Ireland, Spain, France, Greece, Romania, Ukraine, Bulgaria , Turkey, Switzerland and Slovenia. Oooo, I need to take a breath.

Vebooboo: Yeah ya do boo. But don’t forget Latvia, Belgium, San marino, Hungary, the Netherlands, Goeriga, Austria, Lithuania, Finland, Albania and the the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.

Wiwi: Ooo boo. I didn’t think you were gonna get FYR Macedonia. Um, and you may have been speaking fast, but that’s only 23 countries. I think you might have made a mistake.

Ivi is running—but not to Amsterdam

Vebooboo: Oo boo, you know how to count! Yes you do. But you right, you right. I forgot that Cyprus’ Ivi Adamou has pulled out. That’s right. She RSVP’d for the party, and then cancelled at the last minute! Fortunately Portugal’s Filipza Souza has stepped and will be competing as the 24th participant with her song “Vidha Minha” (My Life). Can I get an Amen?

Wiwi: More importantly, can Ivi Adamou get some cash? The unfortunate news is that the financial crisis is rocking the tiny island of Cyprus—and not in a musical way. According to Cypriot newspaper the Cyprus Mail, last month the country’s state broadcaster CyBc couldn’t afford to pay its staff wages, leading to a black out on TV and threats of further strike action. Sending Ivi on an all-expenses paid trip to Amsterdam would have seemed slightly insensitive in a time of increasing austerity.

Veboboo: But boo: Can I point something out? It wouldn’t have been that expensive to send Ivi Adamou because as we all know from YouTube, she does not sing La La Live. This lady likes to lip synch! They wouldn’t have to spend any money on microphones or musicians, just a recording of her song!

Wiwi and Vebooboo have a laugh attack. Then we hear tracks that compare Ivi’s live voice with her digitized voice. That’s followed by Roman Lob’s rather impressive live performance of “Standing Still” from the German national final.

Wiwi: And while Ivi sits at home practicing her lip-synch, San Marino’s Valentina Monetta will be in Amsterdam performing her song “The Social Network Oh Oh Uh Oh Oh.” As you’ll recall from her video, Valentina gets drawn into the lusty world of online dating. As she says in the song, “Do you wanna be more than just a friend/ Do you wanna play cyber sex again?”

We hear a snippet from Valentina’s song.

Vebooboo: Oooo that’s nasty Wiwi! But now Valentina is giving all of her fans a chance to win quote, “a once in a lifetime chance to win an exclusive VIP trip” — wait for it, people — not to Malta, but to…

Wiwi: Boo: She’s not from Malta! She’s from San Francisco! Marino!

Vebooboo: I love this show.

We listen to more of “The Social Network”

Come fly with me: Valentina gets ready for Oktoberfest

Vebooboo: But now Valentina is giving all of her fans a chance to win quote, “a once in a lifetime chance to win an exclusive VIP trip” — wait for it,  — to Oktoberfest 2012 in Munich, Germany. That’s right. Rather than observing Valentina in her natural habitat of San Marino in front of her lap top, all y’all are invited to join her on a trip to Germany. Her PR team also promises that the winner “will be invited and looked after as Valentina’s esteemed guest and will experience some of the most unforgettable days and loads of fun at the biggest folk festival in the world!” That is real, real nasty. What kind of loads are they talking about?

Wiwi: Vebooboo, that’s is a step too far! This is a family show so you need to keep it cute or put it on mute! The statement from her PR team also says the winner will receive 1000 euros in spending money—enough cash to join a few online dating sites while relaxing in yo’ suite. That is cray cray San Marino. Just in case you and Valentina don’t hit it off, the prize is for two people, that’s 1 + 1 is 2, so you can bring a friend, or just meet someone on the Internet.

Vebooboo: You can check out all the details of the contest on wiwibloggs.com—that’s wiwibloggs dot com—but basically you have to make your own music video set to Valentina’s Eurovision entry “The Social Network Oh Oh Uh Oh oh.”

Wiwi: Or the original version which was disqualified because it promoted commercial interests. That was called “Facebook Uh Oh Oh”

Vebooboo: I have always wanted to hang with the star of Social Network

Wiwi: Who? Jessy Eisenberg?

Vebooboo: No! Valentina Monetta!

Songs: Tooji’s “Stay” and “Swan Song”

Eurovision’s next top male model

Vebooboo: Over the past three years ENTMM—that’s Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model—has become the premier online modeling contest for the men competing at Eurovision.

Wiwi: We’re currently conducting the semi-finals of the contest. Wiwi and Vebooboo only have room for 15 men in the Wiwi House, so we have to send some of these duded packing. Each week you guys vote on our site – that’s wiwibloggs.com —and the contestants with the lowest number of votes are sent packing.

Tooji is a model and Eurovision star

Vebooboo: We’ve already received more than 1,400 votes in the first three days of the contest. In third place this week is Norway. Its singer Tooji is the only contestant actually working as a model. He’s on a mission not only to prove that Norway has people who aren’t white, but also that they look real, real cute. It’s working. And it’s working. He currently has 10% of all votes.

Wiwi: But Tooji has a man hot on his heels, and we mean hot. Germany’s Roman Lob has 11% of all votes, which translates to just 10 more votes than Tooji. Voters seem to be responding to his edgy, alternative rock look which includes two massive earrings and a tattoo that spans from nipple to nipple. He may has a hardcore look, but his cheeky smile and playfulness make him pretty inviting for all our readers.

Vebooboo: Now, in an unusual turn of events, we don’t have one leader but two. That’s because in first place, it’s a matter of double your pleasure and double your fun, with Ireland’s Jedward. This naughty twin brothers—whose hair contains more hairspray than an entire Wal-mart Supercenter— currently claim 15% of all votes. Should we divide that by two so they only have 7.5% each?

Wiwi: Boo, that is some dodgy math. That is some dodgy math.

We listen to Jedward’s “Waterline”

Wiwi News

It’s not Pocahontas. It’s Joan Franka

Wiwi: Joan Franka—the contestant from the Netherlands—has released the official music video for her song “You and I.” Although people criticized her for dressing up like a native American at her national final, she is sticking to her guns. That’s right. The video shows two children playing cowboys and Indians, and Joan wears a feather instead of a headdress. It looks like less really is more.

Vebooboo: Sweden’s Loreen has revealed that she will have back-up singers with her in Baku—but she’ll be wrapping them in sheets and hiding them in the backgroud. “Our ambition is that they shouldn’t be seen, because they don’t belong there. We want to create that little own world for Loreen,” the head of Sweden’s delegation told Swedish journalists. So much for Sweden promoting equality.

Wiwi: In Sofia, Bulgaria’s Sofi Marinova released the official video of her song “Love Unlimited.” After watching her spin around in a very revealing dress, we think they should rename the song “Cleavage Unlimited.”

Vebooboo: Italy’s Nina Zilli continues to climb the oddstable with her song “Love is female.” In the past three weeks she has jumped from 14th position to third, trailing Loreen and the Buranovskiye Babushki. Maybe if she feeds them all enough pizza she can clog their vocal chords with mozzarella!

We hear Emin’s “Baby Get Higher”

The Wiwi Jury

Wiwi: Every week the Wiwi Jury listens to Eurovision songs so you don’t have to, and rates them on a scale from 0 to 10. First up this week is Ukraine.

The world may have lost Whitney Houston, but thanks to voters in Ukraine, it gained Gaitana. Her vocals flourishes could blow Jennifer Hudson away, and when she belts out “Be My Guest” folks down in Australia can hear. This is my jam, y’all! I also love that the opening bars of “Be My Guest” nod to traditional Ukrainian horn music. I have no doubt the jury will respect Gaitana’s voice, even if the song itself isn’t that sophisticated. She has booked a spot in my Top 10, and I gave it an 8 / 10.

Gaitana wants you to be her guest.

Vebooboo: Talk about a feel good song! Norway’s Stella Mwangi and her African roots may have been rejected by voters last year, but how can anyone resist this ebony diva with her powerhouse voice? (Stella couldn’t sing, folks…) OK, the lyrics of this song are pretty simple…she basically repeated “Be My Guest.” We know this isn’t going to win the whole competition, but Eurovision is about being happy, and this song accomplishes just that. Plus, Gaitana has got her some stage presence, yes she does! Score: 7/10.

Wiwi: Not everyone was so generous. Deban, another member of the jury, says the song is “unlistenable.” He goes on to say, “I’m not gonna be Gaitana’s guest, so may I be bold enough to ask for a pair of earplugs?” He only gave her a 2/10, dropping her average down to 4.75. That puts her in 13th place out of the 21 countries we have reviewed.

Vebooboo: Oh snap! That’s not so cute. Let’s turn to our next country, which is Iceland.

Oh Iceland, you were doing so well. For such a small country, you somehow magically produced amazing entries on such a consistent basis…until this year. Yes, Greta and Jonsi have good voices, but as we all know that means squat in ESC-land. The song itself builds nicely at the end, but it is way too slow to build up to that point. Damn boo, that is one slow ass train! We are glad that they realized singing in English would be a better choice.

Wiwi: Iceland, WTF? It’s as if that exploding volcano Eyjafjallajokull swallowed all of its best songwriters, leaving them with no choice but to choose this. It’s seriously dark and dreary—like Lordi but without the fun costumes. That, my friends, does not a winning Eurovision entry make. If I were in the right mood, I might be able to get into this. I could hear it on the soundtrack to a movie about some medieval knight (it would play when the hero is slaying dragons). But I’m not into that stuff. Sorry to say this, but it’s an un, deux, trois—that’s a big fat 3—from Wiwi….Their overall average was just a four, meaning Iceland has melted, and is currently 18th of the 21 countries we have reviwed.

Vebooboo: That differs sharply from the odds which predict that Iceland will do really well.

Wiwi: These mythical oddsmakers are just trying to fool us. They want you to put a lot of money on these people and lose it. Just like the people who lost their houses when Eyjafjallajokull exploded.

Vebooboo: It’s a point, boo. We need to remember that these betmakers are not NGOs. They are for-profit organizations who want the profit for themselves. They are trying to make some money.

We listen to maNga with “We Could Be the Same.” It placed second at Eurovision 2010.

And finally it’s Can Bonomo from Turkey:

Wiwi: I seriously need Hadise to make love with the members of maNga so they can re-populate Turkey with people who can actually perform. This act is a disaster. It’s like Gipsy.cz meets Zdob si Zdub—but without all the pretty colors to distract you from the music. The lyrics, which you can read here, are pretty shite. “Hop up to my ship, baby, I’ll make you fly/ You love me and you know that, baby, don’t you lie.”

Vebooboo: OK, dude can’t dance worth sh*t, and he really needs to work on his stage presence. BUT, the song kind of reminds me of “Love in Rewind” from last year, and something tells me most of Eastern Europe is going to love the instrumentals in the background. Even though this ain’t my cup of tea, I think the East will be drinking his ‘raki’ (that’s the Turkish national drink) up! I gave it a 7. Unfortunately, Deban, another jury member, only gave it a 2.5, dragging the average down to 4.1—just ahead of Iceland, and just below Gaitaina. He said, “The most redeeming quality about this entry is Mr Bonomo’s looks. He could bag a trophy in Wiwi’s annual search for Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model. Sadly, the song lacks artistic merit and craftsmanship. Hearing it the first time, it sounds recycled and somewhat tired.”

We play some songs.

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Shirley Green
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Shirley Green

What on Earth is wrong with you Wiwi? Iceland is magnificent this year.The review you made is ridiculous! Turkey is not bad either!