Today the Wiwi Jury heads to Brussels to review Iris’ ESC 2012 entry “Would You?” Would we what? Give this a good score? Or put young Iris on mute? Read on to hear the critics’ answer…
Wiwi: Iris—Belgium’s 17-year old contestant for Eurovision 2012—seems to have a problem with men. Early in her song “Would You?” she asks, “What would you do when my house was empty?” There are several possible answers. Her psycho boyfriend could have had sex in her bed with another woman; emptied her liquor cabinet; taken photos of himself wearing her underwear; or done all of these things over the course of a long weekend. Regardless, why does a 17-year old have her own house? And why do her parents let her roll with these crazies?
We never get an answer, and that’s part of the problem with “Would You?” The lyrics start to tell a story: Iris has moved away and is willing to settle for any man, and wonders if her ex lives up to her apparently low standards. “My life in a bag and away from you/ You took my love for granted, would you really miss me?/ Any other guy would do, but would you?”
Given that she’s headed to Eurovision, she should really be questioning the merits of her song. It’s bland, boring, dull, and—like greasy Chinese food—leaves Wiwi craving something with more substance. She looks like a sweet girl, and she obviously has a good voice. But even if you spray perfume on poo it still stinks. Sorry Belgium. No final for you in 2012.
Vebooboo: OK, before we get to the song, can I just say this girl has the most awkward posture and movements throughout. I sure as hell ain’t signing up to be her dance partner at Wednesday salsa class any time soon! But back to the song…OK, good voice, but this song really never goes anywhere. She asks the question “Would you…?” and I feel like we never get the answer.
Meows Kitty: I don’t know which one would score higher on the bore-o-meter: Azerbaijian or Belgium. Actually, I’d probably go with this one. This is a cheesy 90s pop ballad and her vocals are average at best. And I don’t like the way she keeps squatting while singing…is she trying to take a dump? Sorry, Belgium.
Deban: If you haven’t got the stage presence of Anna Vissi (Greek Entry 2006), please avoid being on such a big stage alone. Personality and charisma aside, this is a decent entry. Iris sings with a lot of conviction, her vocal delivery is clear and has impact. However, she lacks the much needed star-quality that is necessary to elevate this song from the realm of karaoke. She is only 17,though, and unlike Jedward, she remains gimmick-free.
“Would You?” has a lot of potential. Re-working the staging for Baku would determine how far this track goes. The Belgians are aware of this, I’m sure. Fed up with democratic selection processes, they handpicked this starlet who is reminiscent of Sandra Kim for her youth. Clearly they hope to replicate their 1986 victory. Also, they’ve opted for the simplicity of Tom Dice’s 2010 performance. That was the first year ever that Belgium topped the jury vote.
Back to Baku: this is a weak year. Thus, it should come as no surprise if this entry creeps into the left side of the final scoreboard.
The Wiwi Jury Verdict: 3.5/10