In the days after Eurovision 2012, Azerbaijan’s National Security Ministry dropped a major bomb. During the contest they arrested 40 members of a group planning attacks on Baku’s Crystal Hall Arena and hotels where delegates and other foreigners were staying. They claim the plotters had purchased tickets to attend the Eurovision concerts, and that they hoped to wreak havoc as the contest was broadcast to millions around the world. “The National Security Ministry opted not to disseminate information about neutralising the group during Eurovision in order not to provoke panic among citizens and foreign guests,” the Ministry said in a statement. Apparently they killed two of the suspected plotters during the contest.

Plenty of folks have suggested that it’s yet another P.R. exercise by the government to prove its competence and its ability to cope with the very real threats it faces in a volatile region. Regardless of whether it’s true, Eurovision has several built-in defenses against terror. Let’s quickly review why those plotters would have failed at ESC 2012.

1. The Eurovision wind machine is fierce. If it can blow Loreen’s endless locks around, then it can blow stray bullets all the way to Iran. Here’s one machine from the squadron which Wiwi shot during the grand finale as Ell & Nikki reprised their song “Running Scared.”

2. Engelbert Humperdinck’s toupee absorbs nuclear material. You didn’t think he wore that thing as a fashion statement, did you? The Hump knows that having a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame brings risks like psycho fans who want to hurt you if they can’t have you. So his toupee is ready to serve and protect.

3. Gaitana’s massive LED screens make folks dizzy. If this diva heard an attack was about to go down, she’d have her tie-dye-clad back-up dancers form a protective barrier with her giant LED screens. The virtual dancers on stage would put the plotters into a trance, while also serving as a protective defense shield. If all that fails, Gaitana will simply shout “Be My Guest” and the power will “neutralise” enemy elements.

4. All those Norwegians with their massive flags. Seriously. I could not see past all their waving. If a plotter purchased  a seat in their section, he would have constantly been hit in the head by their flags and elbows.

The Norwegians put their flags down for a split second and smile. Love. Them.

5. Baklava in the press center. As anyone in the Eurovision press corps will tell you, our Azerbaijani hosts love to throw down baklava. They kept the journalists working by shoving sweet nutty goodness down our throats at every turn. But the downside of chugging sweets is that your fingers get seriously sticky, and your bum starts to look real, real big. If those plotters penetrated the ESC press corp, they would not be able to use their weapons (they’d be too busy licking their fingers) and they would not be able to move fast enough to act (expanding rear seriously slows a girl down). Anyway, in this video, Vebooboo from WiwiBloggs.Com gives you a tour of the press center cafeteria.

6. Greece’s Eleftheria Eleftheriou. You threaten a Eurovision contestant and Eleftheria will throw her hair back and hit you in the face. This Cypriot-born beauty pulled this move at least 20 times during her performance. Perhaps she was getting ready to do battle with enemy combatants.

Eleftheria: Threaten her, and she will hit you with that hair!

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Fikri
Fikri
8 years ago

Arighty, point taken!

Samantha
Samantha
8 years ago

And as a PS, everyone knows the Azerbaijanis MADE THE TERROR ATTACK UP. They used Eurovision as a way to justify crushing people they don’t like / enemies of the state.

Samantha
Samantha
8 years ago

oh take a joke! we have to laugh in the face of terror or the terrorists win. i personally think rona nishliu is the biggest defense. her screaming would scare the scariest terrorist 🙂

Fikri
Fikri
8 years ago

This article is not funny at all… What if they succeeded in their plot? This is a real life event, not a joke for Heaven’s sake!!