On December 15 Switzerland becomes the second country (after Belarus) to decide on its song for Eurovision 2013. After listening to the nine finalists for Die Grosse Entscheidungsshow, it’s clear to me that the Swiss have no intention of winning in Malmö. Apart from Melissa’s “The Point of No Return” and the rather catchy “You and Me” by Heilsarmee, this year’s contenders are pure garbage and would be hard pressed to make it through the never-ending heats in Lithuania.

But among the 179 entries this year, there were at least seven worthy of the final. We have listened to all of them. At times it was tough going but we made it, and we can now reveal those songs that should be singing in Kreuzlingen next week. These numbers would have given the Swiss a shot at an elusive spot in the Eurovision final. Anyway, here is our dream line-up!

1. Lys Assia feat NewJack – All in your head

After failing to win last year’s Swiss final, the ageing Lys Assia was coaxed into teaming up with a group of gangsta rappers. Lys often looks uncomfortable when surrounded by her new best friends, but she got down with the boys to pull off a catchy tune which has sadly been neglected by those in power.

2. Markus Muller – Getting closer

Cheesy doesn’t even begin to describe this ballad, and Markus is glued to one spot in his simple video. But the big slice of schmaltz would sell well as a charity Christmas record. He just needs a few sleigh bells to tug the yuletide heart.

3. Man Meadow – How does it feel?

Narrowly missing out on representing Poland in 2011, Man Meadow tried their luck in Switzerland (as so many do from Poland – Magdalena Tul also submitted a song this year). “How Does It Feel” is a really good, upbeat, dance tune and obviously way too modern for the Swiss selection panel.

4. Sandro Dietrich – Love will find a way

Another song that could easily find its way onto the dance floor is “Love Will Find A Way”. Sadly cute Sandro couldn’t find his way into the national final. But with a commercial release this could be a summer smash in 2013.

5. I.M.P feat Sofia Hyatt – Party Like You Mean It

It has an infectious, simple chorus. But conservative Swiss voters probably gasped when they heard “people in this town, do not fuck around”.

6. Sparrohs – Pinch me I’m dreaming

The Sparrohs entered two songs this year – the other one was boring as hell. But the start of this one sounds like a 1980s TV theme and settles into a Blondie meets Sophie Ellis-Bextor ryhtym.

7. ILARY – Vogla Di Vivere

Using the opening few bars of Euphoria, this dance track proves that foreign languages and dance can go together. This could be played with the car windows rolled down, sun beating down and hands waving triumphantly in the air (with someone else driving of course)!

H.K. Dick is our recently-appointed Hong Kong correspondent. Welcome H.K. Dick!

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Ewan Spence
9 years ago

On a personal note, Lys isn’t even in my top ten. Just as I’m still listening to Ultra Nate and Sosofluo from last year, I have three from the Swiss process that are stuck in my head… namely

1) Marcello Alexander (Hotel Mama)
2) The Fires (European Girl)
3) Wild White Horses (LA The Voices)

Frankly there isn;t a better schlager by numbers than Wild White Horses, and I wish that could find a bigger audience!

Ewan Spence
9 years ago

Sorry, Lys had no right to be there. She had a song that was suited to her style last year, and it had to be waved through by a committee to sing on stage in Kreuzlingen – and then the TV viewers who were 100% of the final vote did not vote for the song (and her frailty on stage and while moving was evident to those in the audience). This year she went through a public vote with a frankly embarrassing mishmash experiment where the two halves of the song were uncomfortable against each other, and the public failed… Read more »

Scott Ramsay
Scott Ramsay
9 years ago

Lys was robbed….that is all!

9 years ago

Great countdown of losing entries..I must say that ‘All in your head’ is growing on me.

9 years ago

Hahahaha Markus Müller, i like it, he looks like Cameron Tuker from Modern family.