Eurovision stars bring a lot more than their voices to the competition. They have to bring body and face, and then they’ve got to package all that into three minutes of fabulous. For the men competing to make the finals of our annual search for Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model, the heat is on. And for six of them it’s about to burn them straight out of the competition. The first elimination of the Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model semi-finals begins now.
Twenty-four mostly attractive men stand before me, but I only have 18 photos in my hands. These photos represent the 18 of you who are still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model.
The race to qualify for the final in first position is incredibly close. Our current leader sings in a super high register during his Eurovision song, but he is all man. He’s known as the Voice in Romania and he’s known as the front-runner in the race to win Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model. He is Cezar Ouatu.
Congratulations Cezar. You’re still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model.
The contestant in second place trails Cezar by less than 30 votes. He wants your support and according to his Eurovision entry he also wants you to hold him and unfold him (whatever that means). He is the body from Baku and one of the few contestants with good shirtless pics on Google Image. He is Azerbaijan’s Faird Mammadov.
Congratulations Farid. You’re still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model.
The contestants currently in third and fourth position are inspirations to the team at WiwiBloggs.com. Together they have lost a combined total of nearly 300 pounds. Italy’s Marco Mengoni has traded the pepperoni for the San Pellegrino, and Sweden’s Robin Stjernberg has traded the Swedish meatballs for Slimfast milkshakes. And baby, they’re both still in the race.
Congratulations Marco and Robin. You’re still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model.
Wiwi needs to go to work, so we need to speed up this elimination. The men finishing in 10th through 17th are all safe. But that’s a word we don’t like at wiwibloggs. If you want to make it as an international superstar when the Eurovision glory fades then you need to be a lot more than safe. You need to be fierce, fit, funky, daring and willing to take off your clothes in front of a camera. Turn up the heat or you’ll extinguish your chances to win. Congratulations. You’re all still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model.
Would the men of Klapa s mora, Noyz, Adrian, Gor, Dedduh, Stoyan and Bledar please step forward. Looking at your vote tally is pathetic. It makes Wiwi nauseous to think that none of you managed to get more than 30 votes. If you had simply asked your extended families to vote for you you could have doubled and in some cases tripled your vote haul. Just look at the table. Can you tell me you’re proud of this?
I have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the one of you who would still be in the running to win Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model if I was feeling generous. But people: This ain’t no charity. If you want to be on top you need to be on point and you need to be able to rally your fans behind you. None of you have lit a fire in my belly—and you certainly haven’t lit one in yours.
I’m sorry, my dears, but I’m sending you all home. You must return to the House of Wiwi, pack up your protein powder and go home. Do not steal my new porcelain or any of my towels or I will have the police after you faster than David’s dogs ran out of his house when he heard Albania last year. That’s all.
The race to win Eurovision’s Next Top Male Model continues. Come back soon for our second and final elimination. These results were accurate as of 1pm GMT on 16 April 2013.