The women competing for the title of Eurovision’s Next Top Model have been working out non-stop since moving into the House of Wiwi on March 30. In between rehearsals for Eurovision they’ve been running on our treadmills and eating all of our lettuce. But there’s a recession on people, so some of these “singers” need to go (or start contributing to my utility and grocery bills). Last week the women of Switzerland’s Takasa and Gypsy Queen Esma from F.Y.R. Macedonia were kicked out of the house. It’s time to find out who will join them on the mean streets of Malmö. The second elimination of Eurovision’s Next Top Model 2013 begins now.
Twenty-four mostly attractive women stand before me, but I only have 20 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the women who are still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Model and who can still earn a spot in our Top Model Hall of Fame.
A total of 15,863 votes have been cast since March 30. This week’s leader has come from the brink of elimination and is now sitting proudly on top. On April 6 she had just 36 votes and sat in next-to-last position. Wiwi almost sent her packing. But he saw a glimmer in her eye and kalashnikov in her handbag. Facing elimination she called on her fans and they answered with open arms. She now has 4,594 votes and she’s guaranteed herself a spot in the Top Model final. She’s already won Russia’s edition of “The Voice”, and soon she may win our version of “The Body”. She is Russia’s Dina Garipova.
Congratulations Dina. You’re still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Model. Vebooboo, one of our Amsterdam correspondents, saw you in H&M after Eurovision in Concert. We hope you found a cute bathing suit.
The woman in second place is really working the Eurovision PR circuit. She gave us a great interview in Amsterdam recently. She spoke with us live on Eurovision.tv before that. And earlier this week she launched a ringtone of her Eurovision song, which you can download for free. She knows how to ride a unicorn and she has a body that just won’t quit. She’s the cutie from Kyiv. She is Ukraine’s Zlata Ognevich.
The women sitting in third, fourth and fifth position started out the competition in spots 1, 2 and 3. They’ve been pushed down the table—but you can never count them out. They’re likely headed to the final, and they’re already in all of our hearts. They’re a triple threat from Serbia. They are the women of Moje 3.
Mirna managed to get more than 1,200 votes. But none of the women sitting in positions 6 to 19 have managed to get even 400. You ladies may be safe, but you’re not inspiring much of a reaction. Pump up the volume or you will drown in silence. Congratulations. You’re all still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Model.
Would Valentina, Elitsa, Amandine, Bonnie and Sophie please step forward.
Five mostly attractive women stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the one of you who is still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Model. The women whose name I do not call must immediately return to the House of Wiwi, pack your mascara and go home.
Valentina: In the past year you’ve transformed yourself from a karaoke cruise ship act into a true diva. But as your confidence has grown so has your ego. Can we think highly of a woman who thinks so highly of herself? And when the hell are we going to get our bloody interview?
Amandine: You’re France’s original rocker chick. You can work leather like you were born in a dive bar, and you seem comfortable in every look from heroine chic to strung-out-on-crack. We love that edgy vibe. But if we embrace you will we get stuck by a dirty needle?
Bonnie: When we saw your pics we experienced a total eclipse of the heart. You look like a dead corpse dug up and warmed up. But where’s the ice cream and mint garnish? What can you do that will make us want to eat?
Sophie: When I look at you I see a beautiful woman who is more concerned with her voice than her body. You look absolutely beautiful. But rather than attending our runway practices you keep singing “Waterfall” and working on your choreography and promoting your Eurovision song. WTF? Where are your priorities?
It’s a tough decision, but I’ve made it. The woman who is still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Model….is….Valentina Monetta.
Babes: What is up with your face? And what is up with the red bed sheets and orange hair? You need to work it H to T — head-to-toe — but right now the only words that come to mind are, “OMG, is she seriously wearing that?” Pull it together or these Harpies will tear you apart. Congratulations. You’re still in the running to become Eurovision’s Next Top Model.
Amandine, Elitsa, Sophie and Bonnie. Please get out of my house. Do not take any of my towels or the PlayStation or I will sue you faster than Chiara will enter the Maltese National Selection the next time she is eligible.
The semi-finals are now closed. You can view the results by clicking here.