Bonsoir, l’Europe! We just started our brand new segment, Those Eurovision Lyrics Cray, which was quite successful. Thanks to all who voted and posted angry comments.
But, we have to move on. We’re out of the Thirsty Thirty-Two and on to the Sweet Sixteen! Here are the results of the first week of voting for the craziest, zaniest, most out-there Eurovision 2014 lyrics.
Group 1: San Marino (60%) defeated the Netherlands (40%). But our Dutch readers shouldn’t feel bad: They host Eurovision in Concert!
Group 2: Malta and the UK had a TIGHT race. I guess this is what happens when the imperialist meets the imperialized? Anyhow, Malta’s electric bones (53%) narrowly defeated the UK’s passive violence (47%). It was tight, y’all.
Group 3: Well, Norway did not win in a storm (43%), and lost out to Cleo and Donaten from Poland (57%). The Slavic twerk anthem lives!
Group 4: Moldova’s existentialism (73%) slayed Azerbaijan (27%).
Group 5: Well, Spain and Ireland both have problems with money, but if lyrics were currency both would be somewhat stable. Spain came out on top (60%), so Ireland (40%), sorry.
Group 6: Imperialist vs. imperialized again, and Finland came out on top (56%), while Russia is trying so (SO) hard to justify its annexation of Crimea through the Tolmachevy Twins (43%).
Group 7: In an upset, Albania (63%) dominated Switzerland (37%). We thought that “hunting for stars” would go far. Really far. I guess he didn’t land among the stars?
Group 8: In another upset, TEO didn’t take home the gold (he got 40%), but the victor was Sanna’s “Undo my Sad” (60%). TEO should’ve kept in the “Google Maps” reference. Maybe include a Pokeball reference (cough cough Sweden 2011).
Group 9: Estonia (67%) danced circles around Slovenia (33%).
Group 10: Even though Maria removed the “brother to a sister” line, Ukraine (55%) triumphed over France’s (45%) lack of emotion in the fitness room.
Group 11: Conchita, doll, we love you, and your metaphor to the phoenix. However, FYR Macedonia’s (65%) clear misunderstanding of basic physics triumphs over how you burned your ex (35%).
Group 12: Georgia’s hippie-dippie lyrics (77%) showed Israel (23%) how it’s done. I guess I can’t use my Frida Kahlo reference
Group 13: Armenia’s little bird (69%) clearly beat Hungary’s angels (31%). Needless to say.
Group 14: Latvia’s discovering Atlantis (71%) won over Belgium’s mummy issues (29%)… Where’s Freud when you need him?
Group 15: Germany (62%) apparently thinks that genders write in specific ways, but Montenegro needs to untie their souls (38%).
Group 16: Emma apparently gets her shoes stuck in a lot of places (61%), but Suzy is stuck in the dust (39%).
Round of 16 voting
Germany vs. Armenia
Spain vs. Latvia
Moldova vs. Finland
Poland vs. San Marino
Ukraine vs. Malta
Sweden vs. Italy
Albania vs. Georgia
FYR Macedonia vs. Estonia
Voting closes at midnight on 4/11, and results and the next round will be released the following day (Saturday). So, vote!
PS- the heats are randomly chosen. So to anyhow who says that this is a conspiracy: