Bonsoir, l’Europe! We just started our brand new segment, Those Eurovision Lyrics Cray, which was quite successful. Thanks to all who voted and posted angry comments.

But, we have to move on. We’re out of the Thirsty Thirty-Two and on to the Sweet Sixteen! Here are the results of the first week of voting for the craziest, zaniest, most out-there Eurovision 2014 lyrics.

Group 1: San Marino (60%) defeated the Netherlands (40%). But our Dutch readers shouldn’t feel bad: They host Eurovision in Concert!

Group 2: Malta and the UK had a TIGHT race. I guess this is what happens when the imperialist meets the imperialized? Anyhow, Malta’s electric bones (53%) narrowly defeated the UK’s passive violence (47%). It was tight, y’all.

Group 3: Well, Norway did not win in a storm (43%), and lost out to Cleo and Donaten from Poland (57%). The Slavic twerk anthem lives!

Group 4: Moldova’s existentialism (73%) slayed Azerbaijan (27%).

Group 5: Well, Spain and Ireland both have problems with money, but if lyrics were currency both would be somewhat stable. Spain came out on top (60%), so Ireland (40%), sorry.

Group 6: Imperialist vs. imperialized again, and Finland came out on top (56%), while Russia is trying so (SO) hard to justify its annexation of Crimea through the Tolmachevy Twins (43%).

Group 7: In an upset, Albania (63%) dominated Switzerland (37%). We thought that “hunting for stars” would go far. Really far. I guess he didn’t land among the stars?

Group 8: In another upset, TEO didn’t take home the gold (he got 40%), but the victor was Sanna’s “Undo my Sad” (60%). TEO should’ve kept in the “Google Maps” reference. Maybe include a Pokeball reference (cough cough Sweden 2011).

Group 9: Estonia (67%) danced circles around Slovenia (33%).

Group 10: Even though Maria removed the “brother to a sister” line, Ukraine (55%) triumphed over France’s (45%) lack of emotion in the fitness room.

Group 11: Conchita, doll, we love you, and your metaphor to the phoenix. However, FYR Macedonia’s (65%) clear misunderstanding of basic physics triumphs over how you burned your ex (35%).

Group 12: Georgia’s hippie-dippie lyrics (77%) showed Israel (23%) how it’s done. I guess I can’t use my Frida Kahlo reference

Group 13: Armenia’s little bird (69%) clearly beat Hungary’s angels (31%). Needless to say.

Group 14: Latvia’s discovering Atlantis (71%) won over Belgium’s mummy issues (29%)… Where’s Freud when you need him?

Group 15: Germany (62%) apparently thinks that genders write in specific ways, but Montenegro needs to untie their souls (38%).

Group 16: Emma apparently gets her shoes stuck in a lot of places (61%), but Suzy is stuck in the dust (39%).

Peace out from Emma.

Round of 16 voting

Germany vs. Armenia

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Spain vs. Latvia

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Moldova vs. Finland

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Poland vs. San Marino

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Ukraine vs. Malta

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Sweden vs. Italy

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Albania vs. Georgia

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FYR Macedonia vs. Estonia

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Voting closes at midnight on 4/11, and results and the next round will be released the following day (Saturday). So, vote!

PS- the heats are randomly chosen. So to anyhow who says that this is a conspiracy:

Yes, that is Evgeni Plushenko with a lollipop.

Francheska contributed this report from the United States. Follow her on Twitter at @FranRants. You can also keep up-to-date with the latest Eurovision news and gossip by liking our Facebook page

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8 years ago

Moldova rocks!

adriana gabriela
adriana gabriela
8 years ago

There you go again,the experts say their opinion

Marcelo N
8 years ago

@ Francheska – then you will agree that the mostly meaningless, and ridiculously cliché lyrics for “Cliché Love Song” have to be at least Top 3… I don’t mean to accuse or start any rumours, for we are all having fun after all, but Wiwibloggs has shredded other songs while leaving Basim’s mess untouched 😉

8 years ago

Moldova i love u my greatest love my home!!!You can win it!!!!!!!!!!!
Bravo dragii mei,voi rulitsi kak obichno!!!

Marcelo N
8 years ago

I join Eugene UK in wonder… wasn’t this about finding eerie lyrics/songs that don’t make sense? If so, please leave Italy out first and foremost, unless you *understand the original writing in Italian* and can find fault in it. Ditto for any bits translated non-professionally 😉 Now back to the meaningless bits/lyrics… “Cliché Love Song” has to be a great contender, together with “Bake a Cake”, the English version of “One Night’s Anger” and the first stanza of “Children of the Universe” (sorry, I love the British entry, but those lines have nothing to do with the rest and sound… Read more »

8 years ago

I would expect the final round to be Estonia vs Ukraine. While I understand they are love songs, most of the lyrics do not make sense. I think Google Translater should get a song writing credit on both. That said, I love both songs. They are two of my favs.
The song that should be flogged is Cliched Love Song. Crap lyrics & proud of it. Bad lyricists should be punished.

8 years ago

LOL sorry, but the lyrics of Emma’s song is again translated really bad xD

8 years ago

OMG that gif of Evgeni really made my day! haha

Conchita Fan
Conchita Fan
8 years ago

Great gifs 🙂

8 years ago

The GIFs in this post. Just wow.