Belarus, Teo, 3

Late last night the Wiwi Jury—our in-house panel of musical unprofessionals—headed to the National Library of Belarus to admire its rhombicuboctahedron form, and to take in the giant light shows on its LED exterior. Then we sat down to review TEO’s Eurovision 2014 song “Cheesecake”. Did we love the song as much as our favourite dessert? Or did it leave us feeling a little sickly? Read on to find out…

Deban: After biting into Teo’s cheesecake, I’m now on a sugar high. Yes, the lyrics are somewhat devoid of meaningful content, but Teo is determined to have a party in Copenhagen. Teo also deserves credit for being the composer of Alyona Lanskaya’s hit, and fencing off shade with grace during the Belorussian pre-selection. Good staging and visual humour could really help this song advance to Saturday’s show. Regardless, this is the story of a man who is determined to make you boogie. Go Teo!

Score: 5/10

Bogdan: “Cheesecake” has been growing on me since TEO was chosen to represent Belarus. The tune is as playful as the lyrics, it has a delicious jazzy sound, a catchy chorus, and it’s different from all the other songs this year. Overall, a very decent effort. Moreover, TEO has an endearing personality and a sense of humour. (Are you following him on Instagram? His flirtatious exchanges with Conchita are hilar.) The Tolmachevy Twins said were instructed to say that “Cheesecake” is their favourite entry, so it’s safe to assume that Russia will push TEO to the Grand Final. But will it be enough for a decent placing? I doubt it; the entry is a bit outdated, just like the Patrick Swayze / Jennifer Grey reference, and, simply put, there are many better songs this year.

Score: 6/10

http://youtu.be/2ZFkSAkG2tE

Vebooboo: The summer is fast approaching, and Teo’s cheesecake is not really part of my diet. But while so much of me wants to utterly reject this basic number, there is a guilty pleasure in the refrain. It’s simple and catchy, and I can actually see it doing quite well. I’m just not sure if I want that to be the case.

Score: 5/10

Katie: The first time I heard this song, I vowed never to listen to it again and criticised it at every opportunity. What does “I’m tied up in your sweet cheesecake” even mean? Was the music video REALLY not inspired by Robin Thicke? But since the song was released early and I’ve had a few months to listen to it, it’s really started to grow on me! The guitar introduction has gone from sleazy to jazzy and TEO himself has gone from creepy to totally hilarious! Though I still think he should ditch the maracas. It’s not a song that I will sing along to in Copenhagen but I will happily dance to it and clap afterwards, which is a lot more than I would have done in January. People who haven’t heard the song before the semi-final may not be as happy to support the song, so I worry about the chances of qualification.

Score: 6/10

Belarus, Teo, 2

Angus: What is it about people this year thinking baked goods constitute appropriate matter for a song? I don’t think I’ve ever been more put off a desert than by TEO squirming his way around the backing dancer in the video. The message may have got lost in translation in Belarus but Robin Thicke is not somebody to try and imitate. TEO might be tired of ‘sweet cheesecake’: I’m tired of Belarus bringing sweet FA to the Eurovision table.

Score: 2.5/10

Wiwi: Dieticians say that the calories in sugary foods are ’empty’ because they give us temporary energy but no nourishment. I’m cool with that–and with ‘Cheesecake’. You don’t listen to this hoping to discover the meaning of life. You listen to it to get in the mood for fun. TEO is a showman and that’s worth a lot. Is this my favourite song? No. Do I hope that TEO makes it to the final? Yes. He seems like a sweet guy.

Score: 3/10

Padraig: From the arrogant strut to his smarmy smirk, it’s clear Teo thinks he’s God’s gift to woman kind. The poor fella is deluded. We are supposed to believe that Teo is such an irresistible “cheesecake” that he’s caused his ex-girlfriend to become a globe trotting bunny-boiler. Yet at the same time he has no objection to the woman grinding against him for a whole 3 minutes. Sorry, the whole concept is ludicrous. It’s appropriate that he makes reference to Dirty Dancing, because just like the film he’s a relic from the last century.

Score: 3/10

Belarus, Teo, 1

Francheska: Ah, Cheesecake. Granted, I am not a big fan of the dairy product-turned-pastry (chocolate cheesecake is blasphemy to me, putting chocolate and cheese in the same dish is not kosher), but this song is weirdly addictive. Admit it, we all have practiced the TEO foot-shuffles. I have serious (SERIOUS) issues with the music video (as much as TEO can say that he is the only one being objectified, I’m not buying it), and let’s not even mention the lyrics. The “Google maps” bit has been omitted, which I personally think is a crime against humanity (which Belarus should know plenty about), yet the unnecessary Footloose reference and odd nickname continue this acid trip of a lyrical family reunion. Despite the hot mess that this song is at times, it’s catchy, and it will be stuck in your head. It’s like the person in class that you think shouldn’t be there: no matter how bad they are at it, you kind of want them there so you have something to talk about. Yes, I went there.

Score: 4.5/10

Ramadan: When I was watching the Belarusian NF I did a tweet saying “I’m going to laugh so much if Cheesecake wins the NF” and it happened. Not happy at all though. It’s catchy yes, but it’s laughable and really bad. It’s JUST too damn cheesy. I was surprised that Mr. President didn’t step in to change the song. Shame on you Mr. President! The singer possesses some charisma, but clearly lacks a voice. I’m sorry to say this Belarus, but you simply cannot beat the actual cheesecake. Try harder next year!

Score: 0/10

Billy: This song is just bad… Teo comes off as a bad version of Robin Thicke…and the original ain’t that great to begin with. The lyrics are hilarious, and the music and rhythm aren’t anything special. I’ll skip dessert this year.

Score: 1.5/10

All 19 members of our jury rate each song. However, we only have room to share 10 written reviews. Here are the remaining nine scores.

Anthony: 2/10

James L: 1/10

Mario: 4.5/10

Maxim Montana: 8/10

Mike: 3.5/10

Zach: 0/10

Patrick: 1/10

Sami: 9/10

William C: 4.7/10

We remove the highest and lowest scores before calculating the average. We have dropped a low of 0 and a high of 9.

The Wiwi Jury Verdict: 3.6/10

You can check out our latest Eurovision 2014 reviews and rankings on the Wiwi Jury page. You can keep up-to-date on the latest Eurovision news and gossip by following the team on Twitter @wiwibloggs and by liking our Facebook page.

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MoMo
Guest
MoMo

And we thought ‘Cake to Bake’ was bad.

This – quite literally – takes the cake.

[bad pun, I know but not half as bad as the song]

Leon
Guest
Leon

Was never keen on cheesecake anyway, too sweet – and so is this. 3/10

Deven O'Kearney
Guest

Can I just ask one thing really quickly.

In the video, why is Nicki Minaj dancing with TEO? I thought it was Miley Cyrus that twerked Robin Thicke at the VMA’s last August. TEO must have been on a starship that day.

Anyway, I like Robin Thicke (I mean TEO) but he sounds like Eldar Gasimov talking when he sings. That is freaky. : I . Also when I was out on a school trip in Dublin City in January and I saw a Baileys Cheesecake in the McDonald’s McCafe and I thought of TEO and his cheesecake. WEIRD!!!!!

Nathan
Guest
Nathan

Either that out of place geisha is 180 cm or TEO is a really short midget. Just thought I’d point that out. This entry is neither captivating or repulsive. It’s funny but not funny enough to sway me from clicking on it again. I’d much rather be baking a cake with Latvia, as I don’t do geisha cheesecake with a really bad manicure. I need to pull a William C on this and give this a 6.01/10.

Chesco
Guest
Chesco

It is a very silly song. Quite fun. I like it, I think this piss-taking song is a welcome and refreshing entry in comparison to the pretentiousness and arty-farty-ness of many of the other entries. I hope it does well. It’s pure vaudeville, cabaret and burlesque all in one.

eurana
Guest
eurana

The song is one of the few differents this year. It;s catchy, the performer is a showman on the stage. I like a lot this song. I think that Belarus will qualify easily.

Joseph
Guest
Joseph

Belarus should vote Ireland this year!!

Anna
Guest
Anna

hey, Belarus support Ukraine this yeeeear)) Mary is amazing) we should be in top!!! ^))

PecheMelba113
Guest
PecheMelba113

Wiwibloggs, I’m disappointed. Or it’s me being crazy to clearly think it’s the best song this year. Song I can listen to 10 times in a row and not be tired yet. Would have been great to see full opinion of the 2 of your team who rated it 08/10 and 09/10. Just to feel I’m not alone in my Cheesecake Passion !

Rashad
Guest
Rashad

I like it actually, but his accent sucks. Is it me, or does that girl look like Nikki Minaj?

Srebrenko
Guest
Srebrenko

It would be nice if he makes it to the final. I think he deserves it mainly because his song is different from all the other songs this year and the tune is catchy already. He seems like a showman, so I’m hoping for a good staging. His song is certainly better than the one from Poland, for example, which is by the way a kind of insult to women of Slavic origin.

Nebi
Guest
Nebi

I agree with Thiefo and Wiwi in your assessment. I guess that I’m a little confused by the 3/10 rating given the comments. I’m more invested in having the most entertaining Final possible and that includes Cheesecake. Also, I am completely taken by the model in the video.

Fatima
Guest
Fatima

Wiwi, they all seem like sweet guys (and girls), but that’s no excuse for badly pronounced English lyrics. I’ve heard it 22 times and I still think he’s saying “I don’t want to be a trophy hats today.” I think it’ll scrape through, at the expense of Something Better.

Thiefo
Guest
Thiefo

Usually there’s someone who nails my exact opinion on the song being reviewed and in this case is Wiwi. An excellent way to put it; a sugary song meant to give you a temporary rush of energy but after it passes, it’s nothing substantial. I enjoy it for what it is; catchy, it gets stuck in your head and makes you wanna dance, is just that it certainly won’t win Eurovision.

Woz
Guest
Woz

Certainly not my favourite (not even in my top 10) but such an under rated song. The same happens with Lithuannia’s Attention. What’s so wrong about this two songs? They sound much better to me than Portugal, Greece, France, Belgium…

Dar
Guest

I do find him very attractive ..

marklebron
Guest
marklebron

Forgive me for being to graphic on that one 😡

marklebron
Guest
marklebron

And, Katie… “I’m tied up in your sweet cheesecake”. Think about “creampie”. Just another kind of dessert.

marklebron
Guest
marklebron

Did you take off the highest and lowest here as well before averaging?