Every Eurovision fan roots for a contest full of brilliant songs, astonishing performances and magnificent voices. But let’s face it: we’re never going to get 26 (27 with Australia!) hits of fabulous. There will always be some failed experiments. Given that Eurovision draws much of its appeal from the fun factor, countries should really consider boosting the humour. Think Electro Velvet, except on purpose. So here’s a list of some outrageously bad or totally out of place candidates who, following in the glittery footsteps of Verka Serduchka, Sílvia Night and Rodolfo Chikilicuatre, could leave us smiling at ESC.
NORWAY: ANDERS NILSEN
Roughly every four or five years, Norway steps back from the Eurovision Olympus and sends the likes of “Ven A Bailar Conmigo“. To prevent that sort of esperpento, NRK should go for something that is inherently laughable, like Anders Nilsen’s “Spanish” language hit “Salsa Tequila”. Non-sensical lyrics are part of this contest, and this definitely ups the game with lines like this: “Santa Maria, Tex Mex, Shakira, Nachos, Salsa…Guacamole, Jalapeno, Salma Hayek, Ricky Martin.” There’s even a shout-out to Norway’s most famous singer who shouts it out in Spanish — “Bombo” girl Adelen! Norway has already given Ylvis to the world and we are ready for Round 2.
SPAIN: OJETE CALOR
Spain has been following an even-year rule lately, which means that the country will only do well every other year (2014, 2012, 2010). If Spain is destined to be a disaster in the odd years, RTVE should bring back the Chikilicuatre flavour and go for something like Ojete Calor, a duo of humourists who are the creators of “subnopop“, which combines silly lyrics with questionable melodies. Their song “Viejoven” (Old-Young) is a good example: all the lyrics are about a girl who looks much older than she is. They describe her with lyrics such as “science will study your mutation, they will name an infection after you” and “you’ve been a grandmother since you were ten, and you went from childhood to old age like Paul McCartney”. Ouch.
Austria has already sent Alf Poier, Global Kryner and the Trackshittaz to Eurovision, so there’s no reason for them not to gift us with another “not-so-serious” act. If ORF wants to auto-immolate themselves again, they can ask Russkaja to take part. A group of Austrians singing ska in Russian? It’s just perfect!
F.Y.R. MACEDONIA – RANDOM CHICKEN MAN FROM SKOPJE FEST 2011
The magic of being a Eurovision fan is that you can be preparing for Super Saturday in February, decide to tune in to Skopje Fest and find an old man dressed as a chicken performing. It’s cringy and it’s stupid but you can’t keep your eyes off of it. It has people in awe for all the wrong reasons, and that’s exactly what makes it suitable for Eurovision. And what better act to put after a killer song in the running order? If this man was participating in 2015 and had been put between Sweden and Switzerland in the second semifinal, Melanie René might (or might not) have scored better. Think about it.
UNITED KINGDOM – HEDLEY LE MAISTRE
Who?! Hedley Le Maistre is a singer (or whatever) from Jersey (the Channel Island, not Jersey Shore). He dedicates his musical artistry and lyrical poetry to his motherland, the tiny British island next to the French coast. The BBC would kill two birds with one stone with him: they’d seem to promote all of their territories and they’d satisfy the (unfortunate) expectation that the UK will send a joke act to Eurovison. Amazing, right?
MOLDOVA – SASHA BOGNIBOV
Sasha is a tricky one. He probably has some of the cringiest lyrics and song titles in the world, as with “I Love the Girls of 13 Years Old” and “I know it looks so strange to love a teenage girl”. But Moldova’s pervy singer-songwriter has also put out some decent attempts like “Wounded Swan”. But with all his weirdness, his dance moves and his insistence on going to the Eurovision, we can’t say anything else but yes to Sasha!
Has your country got any acts that would fit in with this bunch of misfits? Do you have any guilty pleasures of this kind that you would like to see on the Eurovision stage? Let us know below!