Every Eurovision fan roots for a contest full of brilliant songs, astonishing performances and magnificent voices. But let’s face it: we’re never going to get 26 (27 with Australia!) hits of fabulous. There will always be some failed experiments. Given that Eurovision draws much of its appeal from the fun factor, countries should really consider boosting the humour. Think Electro Velvet, except on purpose. So here’s a list of some outrageously bad or totally out of place candidates who, following in the glittery footsteps of Verka Serduchka, Sílvia Night and Rodolfo Chikilicuatre, could leave us smiling at ESC.
NORWAY: ANDERS NILSEN
Roughly every four or five years, Norway steps back from the Eurovision Olympus and sends the likes of “Ven A Bailar Conmigo“. To prevent that sort of esperpento, NRK should go for something that is inherently laughable, like Anders Nilsen’s “Spanish” language hit “Salsa Tequila”. Non-sensical lyrics are part of this contest, and this definitely ups the game with lines like this: “Santa Maria, Tex Mex, Shakira, Nachos, Salsa…Guacamole, Jalapeno, Salma Hayek, Ricky Martin.” There’s even a shout-out to Norway’s most famous singer who shouts it out in Spanish — “Bombo” girl Adelen! Norway has already given Ylvis to the world and we are ready for Round 2.
SPAIN: OJETE CALOR
Spain has been following an even-year rule lately, which means that the country will only do well every other year (2014, 2012, 2010). If Spain is destined to be a disaster in the odd years, RTVE should bring back the Chikilicuatre flavour and go for something like Ojete Calor, a duo of humourists who are the creators of “subnopop“, which combines silly lyrics with questionable melodies. Their song “Viejoven” (Old-Young) is a good example: all the lyrics are about a girl who looks much older than she is. They describe her with lyrics such as “science will study your mutation, they will name an infection after you” and “you’ve been a grandmother since you were ten, and you went from childhood to old age like Paul McCartney”. Ouch.
Austria has already sent Alf Poier, Global Kryner and the Trackshittaz to Eurovision, so there’s no reason for them not to gift us with another “not-so-serious” act. If ORF wants to auto-immolate themselves again, they can ask Russkaja to take part. A group of Austrians singing ska in Russian? It’s just perfect!
F.Y.R. MACEDONIA – RANDOM CHICKEN MAN FROM SKOPJE FEST 2011
The magic of being a Eurovision fan is that you can be preparing for Super Saturday in February, decide to tune in to Skopje Fest and find an old man dressed as a chicken performing. It’s cringy and it’s stupid but you can’t keep your eyes off of it. It has people in awe for all the wrong reasons, and that’s exactly what makes it suitable for Eurovision. And what better act to put after a killer song in the running order? If this man was participating in 2015 and had been put between Sweden and Switzerland in the second semifinal, Melanie René might (or might not) have scored better. Think about it.
UNITED KINGDOM – HEDLEY LE MAISTRE
Who?! Hedley Le Maistre is a singer (or whatever) from Jersey (the Channel Island, not Jersey Shore). He dedicates his musical artistry and lyrical poetry to his motherland, the tiny British island next to the French coast. The BBC would kill two birds with one stone with him: they’d seem to promote all of their territories and they’d satisfy the (unfortunate) expectation that the UK will send a joke act to Eurovison. Amazing, right?
MOLDOVA – SASHA BOGNIBOV
Sasha is a tricky one. He probably has some of the cringiest lyrics and song titles in the world, as with “I Love the Girls of 13 Years Old” and “I know it looks so strange to love a teenage girl”. But Moldova’s pervy singer-songwriter has also put out some decent attempts like “Wounded Swan”. But with all his weirdness, his dance moves and his insistence on going to the Eurovision, we can’t say anything else but yes to Sasha!
Has your country got any acts that would fit in with this bunch of misfits? Do you have any guilty pleasures of this kind that you would like to see on the Eurovision stage? Let us know below!
Russkaja is not a troll, it´s a true act
Ojete Calor a Eurovisión!!
Italy: Il Volo
Klemon slakonja for Slovenia and Nicky Tu?kova for Czech Republic.
It was all good in early to late 2000s. And not in this decade anymore. If countries are planning to bring acts like these in the future contest, they better think about the backlash they’ll face from their country or in Europe in general right after they fail to impress on stage. If not and got the chance to win the hearts of Eurovision fans, then lucky them.
No thanks. Non Eurovision fans always remember these songs the most and it is hard enough to get the contest taken seriously as it is!
I hate the countries who send something like this – it’s good they got bad places…this is a Song Contest not a Crap Song Contest! Hopefully we won’t have something like that in 2016!
The question mark is a heart :/
NICKY TUCKOVA ?
Cmon rich cmon cmoooon i don’t wanna work i wanna ear pork going to breach drink beach drinks
I’ll laugh if she gets a better place than Marta & Vaclav
Haha, Alf Poier would have easily won Eurovision 2005 with Good ol’ Europe is dying, but ORF committed self-immolation once again by a hilarious voting procedure that turned Poier’s winning margin by raw numbers into a defeat.
Omg, Vienna 2006 and 2015….. however, just a wet dream……
Nicky Tuckova from the Czech Republic.
Also Sean Banan for Sweden!
As a joke for Spain, I would choose El Reno Renardo. They’re very famous in Spain and sell out concerts, the guys are great fun.
I don’t know what to be more ashamed of … the fact that such load of crap exists or that there is this almost-fan-religiously-driven wish to have this whole rubbish at Eurovision … considering the efforts during the last 5 years to make it musically credible and rise up the musical quality. Trying to reinforce very sad and embarrassing cliches in Eurovision is not doing any good to the contest itself … and this is why those dreadful pure televoting years make me wanna hide myself …just an appalling period in our lives.
Don’t mention UK joke entries, we’ve sent enough in the 21st century already.
Yes! Alf poier has been mentioned! Imagine if Austria had sent good old Europe is dying to Eurovision in 2005…. As I have said it could have been Vienna 2006.