It’s been ten days since Switzerland’s SRF opened its online submission platform for Eurovision 2016. Nearly 50 songs have been posted so far — and the selection is definitely alarming. So far only a few songs sound good enough to represent Switzerland, but none of them is a serious contender to qualify for the grand final, let alone give Switzerland a third victory. To help dull the pain we’ve identified seven songs that are good for a laugh and could put Dustin the Turkey to shame!
1. “Köttbullar” by Steili Kressä
This Swiss men’s choir enters every year — and seem to be going for laughs more than they are going for gold. This time they’ve put together a fun ode to the Swedish meatball. It features a guest rap from a meatball, which many of us have been dreaming of for a while.
2. “Puppy Love (Do you remember)” by NEA!
“Puppy Love” isn’t a bad song, but we’re not so sure about NEA!’s styling. Her dated, 2009-era Lady Gaga couture and pink guitar smack of a shopping spree at a flea market (gone very wrong). NEA! hasn’t even managed to come up with a Eurovision-friendly mix: the song clocks in at almost five minutes!
3. “Dancing” by Maral Geissman
“Dancing” sounds like a decent entry from an Eastern European country from the early 2000s. We’re not so convinced by the video – more gentle swaying than dancing. And does she really sing “let me feel your breast touching me” at 1:25?
4. “Bogachka (Rich B*tch Never Pay)” by Ludmila Davidenko & Pavel Petel
We’re not sure what’s going on here, but it’s magnificent. An ode to a Russian TV star? An attempt at the bearded lady aesthetic? A parody of the fashion industry? All of the above? Don’t tell SRF that this song has been online since May.
5. “Il Primo Uomo Per Me” by Dianaerika Lettieri
Dianaerika Lettieri has a distinct style and a nice voice. But the song sounds so old-fashioned, like an Italian ESC entry from the 1980s, composed at home on an electric keyboard. The only thing missing is giant shoulder pads and frosted hair.
6. “This Bond Is Tight” by Max and the Ducks
Max has written her own James Bond theme song, imagining herself as a woman left heartbroken by her 007 lover (“I hate him! He never looked back!”). Hey, if a Bond theme worked for Conchita, maybe it can work for Max.
7. “Closer to My Heart” by Ylva and Linda
Now we know that Celine Dion — a Canadian — sang for Switzerland. But there’s still something about two Swedish twins going for Switzerland that makes us scratch our heads. The Swedish sisters have previously written national final entries for other countries (Belarus, Malta, Moldova and Ukraine) and they’ve long been gunning for Melodifestivalen. But can Ylva and Linda win over the Swiss?
Are the serious entrants holding off until the deadline approaches to submit their songs? We hope so! The deadline is set for October 28, which means that there’s still plenty of time to fix things up. We know that Switzerland has so much more to offer.
In the meantime, you can listen to all the songs submitted here.
What do you think of the songs submitted so far? Do you think Switzerland should change the selection process? Let us know in the comments section below!