Ireland: Jedward Wins Eurosong 2011 with “Lipstick”

If you believed the hype and the bookies, then Ireland’s Eurosong 2011 was a foregone conclusion. Former X-Factor stars Jedward would don garish outfits, sing a song of dubious quality, and walk away with all the glory. The eccentric twins stuck to the script, and they ended the night with tickets to Düsseldorf—but only by the skin of their teeth.

Singing “Lipstick”—a nonsensical song about cosmetics and a collision with a pretty woman—they narrowly defeated Nikki Kavanagh (and her rather exposed and sunkissed thighs). Jedward only secured first place votes from two of the six regional juries, with the other four going to Nikki. But Jedward’s victory in the public vote gave them the edge overall, and they finished with 98 points to Nikki’s 96.

“It was actually crazy, ok? It’s so cool. You guys are amazing.We’re so happy about representing Ireland,” one of the indistinguishable twins said on stage after winning. “It’s gonna be crazy. We’re going to full on go out there. It’s a huge crowd. It’s gonna be full on. Huge. Edward’s got his lipstick on! We did it. Oh my god it’s amazing.”

Here’s what Wiwi thought:

Don Mescall – “Talking With Jennifer” – Written by Ronan Hardiman & Don Mescall

Is this guy from Dublin or St. Louis? He sounds completely American and is channeling Train (“Drops of Jupiter”). Don lacks the charisma to trick listeners that his mediocre ballad is a great one, and it’s simply too generic to do well at Eurovision. I’ll take a star-spangled bikini over non-stop bland any day. Nul points from Wiwi!

Jedward – “Lipstick” – Written by Dan Priddy, Lars Jensen And Martin Larson

Appalling song. Appalling lyrics. But at least these guys are memorable. One of the panelists on the show made the point that X-Factor is the perfect training ground for Eurovision. These guys are used to performing in front of millions, they know how to take criticism, and they thrive under pressure. Sure, they don’t have voices. But the ding-ding-ding of the electronica help you forget that. And I love their bionic dance moves.

Bling – “Shine On” – Written by Patrick Mahoney

This group was thrown together by Irish broadcaster RTE specifically for Eurovision. Clearly they rushed the process. They chose some pretty faces—two dudes, two ladies—and all of them can sing. But the song is just soooo cheesy. The title says it all. Boring, overwrought, reminiscent of the horrifying entry from Belarus last year, “Butterflies.” The nicest thing the panel of experts could muster was repeatedly saying the group looked good. That’s faint praise at a song contest….

The Vard Sisters asked us to send them an angel. Only if they send us some ear plugs first. A terrible song best performed in a church. Their mentor said “there’s nothing like the harmony of blood sisters.” That creeped Wiwi out and he never recovered.

Nikki Kavanagh – “Falling” – Written by Christina Schilling, Camilla Gottschalck, Jonas Gladnikoff and Hanif Sabzevari

It kind of reminds me of the Junior Eurovision entry from Sweden this year. (But that song was a hell of a lot better than any of the ones we heard tonight). Nikki gave the vocal performance of the night, and she did so in a skank-a-liscious dress. Surely that would have gotten Ireland through the semi-finals in Düsseldorf?

Lyrics for “Lipstick”:

You say you’re on it but you just don’t know
You’re spending money like you’re on death row
You must be mis-educated
By all the guys that you dated
You think I’ll take the bait but I don’t think so

Ohhhh
Am I headed for a car crash?
Ohhhh
Is this about to be my next, she takes the
Ohhhh
I’m about to fall in head first
Sisters let me tell you how it works

HEY!

(CHORUS)
She’s got her lipstick on
Here I come, da da dum
She’s got her lipstick on
Hit and run, then I’m gone
Check my collar, collar, hey, hey, ey
Check my collar, collar, hey, hey, ey

Oooohh, Oooohh

You look at me and I got you in mind
I come on over see what I could find
No appetite for delusion
I could’ve been what I’m losin’
You’re saying yes when it is no, no, no, no

Ohhhh
Am I headed for a car crash?
Ohhhh
Is this about to be my next, she takes the
Ohhhh
I’m about to fall in head first
Sisters let me tell you how it works

(CHORUS x2)

It’s not that I don’t wanna play (play, play)
And then I didn’t look your way (way, way)
It’s not like every girl’s the same (same, same)
You gotta know just how to treat this miss
Or she will be dismissed

Heyyyyy

(CHORUS x2)

Here I come
Here I come
dum da dum da dum da dum
(x2)

Hit and run
Hit and run
dum da dum da dum da dum

Then I’m gone
Then I’m gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone