As Eurovision fans spread across our continent, we have a lot of highs but there are also a lot of lows. We’ve put together 15 phrases guaranteed to fill Eurofans from Iceland to Azerbaijan with fear.
1. The BBC finding a song with “instant impact and real memory staying power.”
PLEASE GOD NO.
2. “It’ll look better on the big stage.”
No amount of stage is going to make this hot mess better.
Rappers leave, get out, right now.
4. “We’ve decided to do something different with the interval act this year.”
Just let last year’s winner perform their new single for the love of god.
5. When a spokesperson sings their points
YOU CAN’T SING, YOU AREN’T FUNNY AND ALL WE CARE ABOUT ARE THE THREE BIG ONES, GOT IT?
6. Songs with “lively” dance routines
This is just glossing over bad vocal isn’t it?
7. Singers with a “unique” voice
Unique does not necessarily mean good…
CURSE ALL EUROVISION MAGICIANS.
9. Returning artists
You had your time, get out.
10. “The song being written by a veteran composer…”
Cover your ears people.
11. “…and being bigged up by the broadcaster…”
Never trust a broadcaster.
12. “…only to be as entertaining as a bucket of sick.”
13. When the only thing to say about a song is that it is “catchy”.
AKA annoying as f*ck.
14. “Alternative” dance routines
Don’t try and distract us from the naaaaaasty song with ratchet moves y’all.
15. “Wait for the hair change”
HAVE MERCY PLEASE.
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