Eurovision season has come and gone, an everybody (including yours truly) is suffering from a severe case of Post-Eurovision Depression. But I’ve found a great remedy to ward off the blues. Through the years we’ve heard baffling metaphors, poor English and innuendos…sooo many innuendos! So I made a list of the top five lyrics that made my jaw drop and think: “Say what to who now?!”

Latvia 2001: Arnis Mednis with “Too Much”

The day after marriage I

Walked in the streets with my bride

She wanted cup of tea – Oh no! I’m voting for beer

You see how good is she

My caring lovely fiancée

Walking in the bar through light

Oh god! There’s girls from last night.

So what we get from these lyrics is that Arnis is a complete tool, and worse, he’s an illeterate tool as well! I blame his poor English skills. And his TERRIBLE pronunciation. Honestly. If you listen closely….what does his new bride want? A cup of tea? A coo..oooh..ff..eeeee? A blurgh de blargh blurgh? Who knows? But what we do know is that if you plan on cheating on your “caring loving fiancée” the day before the wedding, at some sleazy bar, do me a favour…DO NOT bring your wife there the next day, and be all: “I say old chap! Didn’t expect to see Candi and Bambi again at this marvellous place called Busty!” Shame on you Arnis….for everything!

Moldova 2006: Arsenio feat. Natalia Gordienko and Connect-R. with “Loca”

Hey loco, please espera un poco

And I’ll give you my choco

Do you want it or not?

Not only did Moldova bring on the worst entry of 2006, but they also managed to bring the most disturbing one. Is it just my mind that is stuck in the gutter or did Natalia (who has a degree in mathematics and biology.. fun fact) just offer Arsenio to deflower her in a way that is guaranteed to not get her pregnant? Please, tell me that the Internet has ruined me, because I would be so pleased to just find this entry boring, without the disturbing vibes I get from it. I just hope that her father didn’t watch the whole thing, and if so, that he doesn’t understand English, because eeeeewwwww! Well, at least they got married at the end of the song…hopefully….

http://youtu.be/mZZUfSqHums

Lithuania 2013 – Something – Andrius Pojavis

If you don’t know, I’m in love with you

When summertime falls, it becomes untrue

Because of my shoes, I’m wearing today

One is called Love, the other is Pain

Aaaah, Andrius and his emotional shoes. I love this entry and Andrius as well, but this is truly one of the most baffling metaphors I’ve ever heard, and it frankly looks as if Andrius might just be a wee bit off. He tells the woman of his dreams that he’s in love with her, but not in a sweet summertime lovin’ way. It’s more like: “Duh, get with the program!” And then he tells her that it’ll all be over when autumn comes. And this is because of his shoes…’cause that is how we roll these days? I beg your pardon, but did I miss something? Even though Andrius is beyond good looking and all, if you go for the scruffy looking, bad boy rocker dude, like I do, it does look like he is basing a life-altering decision on his footwear! “My shoes told me to dump you, sorry!” This is kind of a deal-breaker for me…..kiiiind of…

United Kingdom 2007: Scooch with “Flying the flag (for you)”

Would you like something to suck on before landing, sir?

It’s not the lyric that bothers me here. It’s the cringe-inducing innuendo that got me. I have mentioned this entry before in another post about a totally different subject. And I know that I am no sir, but when the occasion calls for it, I am no lady either! My response to this creepy and needy flight attendant would be: “NO! Do you want me to punch you in the face?!” This innuendo triggers my gag reflex faster than a rotten shark and a shot of Brennivín with it…and I am Icelandic for Christ sake! He was holding a giant caramel, granted, but we all know what he meant. The guy practically sexually harassed the whole male population of Europe…. in less than five seconds! Am I the only one who finds it disturbing?

http://youtu.be/f9y8hqsYXTw

Poland 2010 – Legenda – Marcin Mrozinski

He kidnapped a girl from the castle

The chase after him was in vain

(sung in Polish)

Lovely princess, I am here to save you

Take my hand and say that you love me

If you ever say it, even lying

I will let you fly like a bird – free

I like this song and Marcin himself, but yikes! These lyrics just scream PSYCHOPATH STALKER! To sum this up, Marcin kidnaps a girl. Not THE girl. A random girl, it seems. He practically orders her to love him, and if she lies, he will let her fly like a bird. Errm, excuse me, but where does he intend to let her fly from? Off the top of a cliff? And then he tries to strangle his back up dancer. O..K…. I’m not comfortable with this lyric. In fact, I’m not comfortable with the whole scenario. Maybe I missed out on some hidden romantic meaning, but I read the words several times, and each time it just got more and more disturbing. I’m hoping that the lyricist is just painfully bad at English, ’cause if not, he is in need of some serious therapy! Oh, wait, Marcin wrote the lyrics. Yeah, let’s just kidnap and force the girl to deal with it. Girls love to be kidnapped and forced into stuff. Swing and miss Marcin! Go get help, man! If not for the stalkerish psycho part, then at least take some English lessons. And could somebody please fetch me an apple?

Click here to read more of our lists!

Photo: Eurovision.tv (EBU)

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Ali Nella Houd
Ali Nella Houd
6 years ago

Oh, KK … Let’s allow people a bit of poetic licence, surely. “Puppet on a String” has a very submissive connotation, but we don’t complain about that. But, at the risk of starting a whole new topic … What about Leto Svet, from Estonia (2008). Possibly the dumbest/worst/most-baffling everything – lyrics, presentation, performance … ? Or was it a subtle, underrated parody of the contest and/or pop wanna-bes generally? There’s a long ESC tradition there, dating back at least to Austria’s satirical Boom-boom-boomerang (1977)! (BTW, Marcel N – are you still locked in your home with all the World Cup… Read more »

Tiggeh
Tiggeh
6 years ago

Scooch was an embarrassment. One of the UK’s worst entries ever.

gaudi121
gaudi121
6 years ago

Serbia’s entry from 2013 also had some weird lyrics

Lanti
6 years ago

Out of the 5 videos posted here, my least favourite was probably Loca. Seriously, not a good idea to sing in Spanglish.

Dhani
6 years ago

leon that was the gayest comment ever LOL

Leon
Leon
6 years ago

@Dhani – Because the singer was gorgeous. I don’t think anyone paid attention to the lyrics. God, the rest of these entries are horrible, yuck.

Dhani
6 years ago

lithuania in 2013 was really one of the worst entries in eurovision ever i hate that song so much HOW could it make the final?!

Lanti
6 years ago

I actually thought the refrain to “Something” made sense, though that’s probably because I don’t like wearing shoes and interpreted the lyrics as “I have to tell you that I fell in love with you, even though I get that this relationship is only going to last until winter ends and I take my shoes off.”
http://barfussevrovizija.wordpress.com/2014/05/23/something-about-barefoot-relationships/

beccaboo1212
6 years ago

What’s going on in the house?

Marcelo N
6 years ago

I usually defend lyrics for the sake of creativity, poetic licence and whatnot… but some of the above samples are beyond dumb. I even tried to support Andrius Pojavis for bringing in something different to ESC (though I loathed the Morrissey farce almost as much as I dislike Morrissey himself), but the lyrics to “Something” were just too much. Incidentally, is there any way we could sign a petition so that the EBU will ban ridiculous and uncalled-for use of Latin references and the Spanish language in otherwise completely foreign songs? [this in defence of my mother tongue and culture]

DJ
DJ
6 years ago

In defense of the UK line, it was a yesteryear standing joke among cabin crew to make similar statements to ease the boredom when offering boiled sweets from a basket before landing. The innuendo exists only in your head!