List: Don’t cut the quiche – 10 misheard lyrics of Eurovision 2018

In an attempt to fight off post-Eurovision depression, we’ve been listening to the Eurovision 2018 entries and have discovered more of those “Wait, what?!” moments. Misheard lyrics are one of the joys of Eurovision, whether they’re caused by the singer not enunciating well enough or by the listener not really paying attention. We’ve put together a list of some of the best moments from Eurovision 2018.

If you’re the kind of person who always hears the correct lyrics when they listen to all the Eurovision songs, every time — hey, good for you! But it’s not so easy for the rest of us. Sometimes we hear things.

1. Austria: Cesár Sampson – “Nobody but You”

What we heard: Lord, I’m gonna get some hot tuna
Correct lyric: Lord, I’m gonna get so high tonight

Tuna is a versatile fish. It can be enjoyed raw — perhaps in sashimi or in a poke salad — or cooked. In Lisbon, several members of Team Wiwi enjoyed some hot tuna-steak burgers at a restaurant near Altice Arena. And it looks like Cesár Sampson also has a hankering for some of that fine Portuguese seafood.

2. Belarus: Alekseev – “Forever”

What we heard: We will go, Padraig, and I know you’ll be mine forever
Correct lyric: We will go for it and I know you’ll be mine forever

The Ukranian pop star evidently is so much of a fan of wiwibloggs deputy editor Padraig that he included a declaration of his desire in “Forever”. But where will they go? And what plans does Alekseev have for their life together? So many questions.

3. Romania: The Humans – “Goodbye”

What we heard: ‘Cause everyone deserves the power to go straight to hell
Correct lyric: ‘Cause everyone deserves the power to go straight ahead

The Humans’ song “Goodbye” is intended to be an uplifting, life-affirming message. But yet as the song enters its emotional climax, The Human suddenly proclaim that “everyone deserves the power to go straight to hell”. Well, ok. It’s good to keep your options open.

4. Portugal: Cláudia Pascoal – “O jardim”

What we heard: Ew, don’t cut the quiche
Correct lyric: Eu nunca te quis

Quiche is a delicious savoury egg tart. But maybe that’s the problem — it’s a little too delicious. Here Cláudia is expressing disgust that a quiche is about to be sliced up into individual portions. She apparently would like to keep the whole thing to herself. We can relate, but as far as delicious egg tarts go, you’d be more likely to hear us say “don’t cut the pastel de nata!”

5. Israel: Netta – “Toy”

What we heard: I don’t care about you, Stefan baby
Correct lyric: I don’t care about your ‘stefa’, baby

Fans have long wondered who Netta was singing about when she said, “I’m not your toy, you stupid boy”. Just who was the stupid boy? But the answer can be found later in the song. It seems to be aimed at a fellow named Stefan. But just who is Stefan? What did he do to make Netta so mad? Was… Was Stefan a chicken?

6. Armenia: Sevak Khanagyan – “Qami”

What we heard: Kamil, Kamil
Correct lyric: Qami, qami

While Sevak’s “Qami” was the popular winner of the Armenian national final, there was still a lot of love for televote runner-up Kamil Show’s hot tune “Puerto Rico”. Sevak kindly paid tribute to the outrageous Miss Show by singing her name in the chorus of “Qami”.

7. San Marino: Jessika feat. Jenifer Brening – “Who We Are”

What we heard: Bullet from the moment we were born
Correct lyric: Bullied from the moment we were born

Jessika starts “Who We Are” with a bang. The song is loaded with attitude, as it proclaims the protagonists were a “bullet from the moment we were born”. Yeah, shooting attitude straight at ya. #bangbang 🔫 Obviously, the lyric is not about a newborn baby being bullied, because that would be super bleak, really depressing, and why didn’t someone call the authorities?

8. Czech Republic: Mikolas Josef – “Lie to Me”

What we heard: You should’ve thought about me back when I was in ‘Nam
Correct lyric: You should’ve thought about me back when I was your man

“Lie to Me” takes us on a lyrical journey, but amid all the spaghetti, the bop-whop-a-lu-bopping and moody camels, there’s a hint of something deeper. Mikolas sings, “You should’ve thought about me back when I was in ‘Nam”. Is he evoking an American GI, forgotten about by the folks back home as he fought in the Vietnam War? Or perhaps it’s the tale of a homesick backpacker, feeling lonely in his Hanoi hostel? A bop-whop-a-lu-bop indeed.

9. Ukraine: Mélovin – “Under the Ladder”

What we heard: Countdown‘s on, a love thing and I try
Correct lyric: Curtains down, I’m laughing at the trial

Countdown is a long-running British game show, where contestants solve tricky word and number puzzles. It’s said to be popular with older viewers, but it seems that it is also a favourite with a certain Ukraine pop goth. The porcelain vampire included an ode to his love of Countdown, noting that he tries to solve the puzzles.

10. Israel Netta “Toy”

What we heard: Dancing with my dolls on the motherf***er beat
Correct lyric: Dancing with my dolls on the MadaBaka beat

Well, I was sitting down on my floral settee to watch the Eurovision. I had a hot cup of tea and I was thinking about when that nice Céline Dion won back in 1988. Then suddenly a young woman started singing something about “the motherf***er beat”. I gasped, clutched my pearls and spilt tea all over the sofa and all over Mr Fluffy’s tail. This never would have happened in the ’80s. Céline would never have made us think about motherf***er beats. *fans self*

What lyrics have you misheard? Share your favourites below!

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