Azerbaijan’s Eurovision Museum: What Would You Put Inside?

Azerbaijan is taking its hosting duties for Eurovision 2012 very seriously. As such, they’ve decided to open a museum dedicated to the Eurovision Song Contest. Here’s what Wiwi would put on display…

1. Laka’s laundry lady’s apple skirt. In 2008, Bosnia entered one of the craziest acts EVER. Ahead of Eurovision, Laka said his eccentric stage performance would depict life in a small Bosnian village. Have pity, then, for the women living on the outskirts of Sarajevo! As Laka sang, four brides held bouquets while a crazy laundress ran in circles. The lyrics are generally playful, as in the chorus: “I’m going to try to kiss you/ Please act like you don’t know why.” Awwww.

2. Silvia Night’s ego—or at least a video of her chewing out journalists. Iceland’s Silvia Night was as outrageous off the stage as she was on it. When voters eliminated her during the semifinals, she lashed out in front of reporters, claiming the public didn’t like her because she wasn’t “a slut from Holland.” After the contest, Night staged a photo call in which she threatened to jump off a bridge. Hilarious.

3. A model of Jedward’s hair. Our favorite set of singing twins from Ireland sparked a Jedhead craze in Dusseldorf. Wiwi was seriously annoyed that Jedward-inspired headpieces like below blocked the outline of Dana International’s private parts.

4. Svetlana Loboda’s hamster wheel. At Eurovision 2009 in Moscow, Ukrainian contestant Svetlana Loboda began her performance with a pole dance inside an oversize metal cog. Over the next three minutes, she tantalized three backup dancers dressed as Trojan warriors by prancing around in red lingerie and performing decidedly raunchy acrobatics. English isn’t her first language, but she managed to get her rather salacious message across: “You are so sexy BOM/ Gonna make me crazy BOM/ We’re gonna do the BOM BOM/ Ain’t that amazing? BOM.” Stripper. In. A. Hamster. Wheel.

5. Dita von Teese’s whip. After years of languishing at the bottom of the Eurovision results table, Germany decided to bypass its own citizens in favor of American artists. Broadway singer Oscar Loya supplied the vocals, while Dita von Teese, the burlesque star, provided the gratuitous displays of sexuality. Portraying the song’s title character “Miss Kiss Kiss Bang,” she strutted out two-and-a-half minutes into the act wearing a bustier and proceeded to bend over, brandish a whip and straddle a sofa. Hot.

6. A Bucks Fizz skirt. As part of its 1981 Eurovision song, British group Bucks Fizz said “You gotta speed it up/ And then you gotta slow it down/ Cos if you believe that a love can hit the top/ you gotta play around.” Apparently that involves wearing block colors and ripping off your skirt. It’s tame and mild by today’s standards, but the act stirred audiences at the time.

7. DJ Bobo’s vampire costumes. If the freaks come out at night, then the first Eurovision 2007 semifinal must have been staged really late. Swiss DJ Bobo and his backup dancers hoped to present themselves as Count Dracula’s latest victims. Instead, they resembled a camp dance troupe on Halloween. “Vampires are alive/ The legends have to survive/ We’ll never come undone/ And we will be forever young.” Wiwi loves a good Swiss bloodsucker…

8. The number to Charlotte Perrelli‘s plastic surgeon. Look. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: her sex change went really, really well, and she almost looks like a woman now! Help out future generations of trannies with a tip or two. (She also offers a moving story about how divorce can ruin your chances at Eurovision. The poor thing nearly lost her mind at Eurovision 2008 when her man CHEATED on her ahead of the contest. OH SNAP!)

UPDATE: Wiwi’s pals on Twitter have added some of their own suggestions, which are hilarious! Let’s review some of our favorite contributions. (P.S. You should follow all of these people on Twitter for their regular and valuable insights!)

9. @BestEuroBlog suggests including “the look on everyone’s face when Lithuania qualified last year.” Absolutely! We should also throw in the look we all had when it emerged Evelina Sasenko had won the jury vote in the first semi-final. The museum display will not have text next to it. Instead, a curator will stand next to it performing sign language just as Evelina did when singing “C’est Ma Vie!”

10. @brumster wants all y’all to get your daily dose of fruit and veg. As such he wants the Azerbaijani museum to include Eva Rivas‘ mammoth replica of an apricot. As he deftly points out, some visitors might shoot at it given all the tensions between Azerbaijan and Armenia. As an alternative, might we suggest a side-by-side comparison of Eva Rivas and Angelina Jolie?

Our next two contributions might require us to phone up the Egyptians for a few tips on embalming.

11. @escinsider wants to honor German songwriter Ralph Siegel who has thus far written 19 Eurovision entries, the most recent being Montenegro’s 2009 ditty “Just Get Out of My Life.” If @escinsider has her way, Ralph isn’t leaving us no matter how hard he tries.

12. And finally, @rogernorway wants us to mummify Lys Assia, the first winner of the Eurovision Song Contest who recently made a comeback at the Swiss national final. Given her sharp tongue after losing, Wiwi will NOT be applying those bandages!

What else do we need to send to Baku? Keep up the discussion below!