Some Eurovision fans might call these songs soothing. Those less intoxicated with ESC might call them what they actually are: boring. In honor of all the songs that made us feel like we had swallowed a bag of opium, it’s time to present 10 Songs That Put Us To Sleep. You might need some caffeine to get through this…
Belgium 2012: Iris with “Would You?”
In case you don’t remember, Belgium’s 2012 Eurovision act featured a woman repeatedly asking, “What would you do when my house was empty?” It’s a creepy question and suggests that she had a stalker digging through her underwear drawer while she was at work. Fortunately if he was in her house while she was performing this on TV, he likely fell asleep and got nabbed by the cops. This song is boring with a capital B. By the way, you don’t need to adjust your Youtube settings. She really isn’t moving. At all….
Estonia 2013: Birgit with “Et Uus Saaks Alguse”
Members of the Wiwi Jury were not feeling this. HK Dick said it was “so middle of the road that you might as well paint a white line down the middle of the stage”. When we were running around Eurovision in Malmö earlier this year we kept forgetting that this song was in the contest until we saw Birgit turn up to a party or rehearsal with a microphone. Bad sign. She should count her lucky stars that the composer included that long (and very loud) note during the bridge. Otherwise everyone would have stayed asleep in the semis and been unable to vote her through to the final!
Finland 2012: Pernilla with “När Jag Blundar”
This song doesn’t make us sleepy because it’s bad. It makes us sleepy because it’s so pretty. This song has a magical, other-worldly quality that draws us in and makes us grab the comforter. Plus the green dress and red hair and lights screams Christmas. What’s more cozy and warm and fuzzy than that?
Hungary 2007: Magdi Ruzsa with “Unsubstantial Blues”
In this soulful blues number Magdi asks her ex, “Why did you leave?” We suspect it’s because her agony is on loop: she just moans, moans, moans and grieves, grieves, grieves. Debbie Downer rarely ends up in a contented relationship! Magdi has a great voice and we understand how she finished 9th in the final. But this number seems to stretch three minutes out to thirty. Thankfully the singer appears to go into labor at the 2:00 mark, and her screaming adds a bit of variety to the monotony.
Sweden 2010: Anna Bergendahl with “This Is My Life”
It’s Anna’s life, and we do not want any part of it. That this song became the first from Sweden never to reach the final was not surprising. Simplicity is great—and it doesn’t have to be boring. That’s why Lena won in 2010. Unfortunately Anna couldn’t figure out the equation. The back-up dancers in the white suits seem more awkward than eye-grabbing. (Watch them on mute shaking their arses and it’s hilarious).
Hungary 2013: ByeAlex with “Kedvesem”
One of the most unique entries in 2013, ByeAlex’s “Kedvesem” had a strung-out sound that brought back fond memories of that time we mixed barbiturates with alcohol. The mellow lighting added another dimension of “sleepy” to this and, despite our keen interest in the chiseled guitar player, made us want to curl up and say goodnight.
Lithuania 2011: Evelina Sasenko with “C’est Ma Vie”
This is the part of the musical when you start regretting paying all that money to sit through a three-hour show. As you drift to sleep you keep asking yourself why the Lithuanian woman is singing in French, and wonder if white pianos and tailcoats have made a comeback. This is about as exciting as watching someone perform sign language. Oh wait a minute (actually that’s 1:40).
Russia 2010: Peter Nalitch with “Lost and Forgotten”
Um, the last time I checked Russia had 144 million people. They did not have to choose this. You know it’s going to be a long song when you’re more interested in the faux snow than the totally melancholic singer. The best part of this is at two minutes when the back-up singer asks, “What are you doing, man?” We were asking Peter the same thing!
Cyprus 2013: Despina Olympiou with “An Me Thimasai”
So we really loved chatting with Despina live on Eurovision.tv, and Wiwi lost some money betting that she would advance to the final. But in retrospect it is kind of obvious that this pared down number was not going anywhere but back to Nicosia. The staging is so simple it’s bland, and not even that lovely dress can save this. I hope her designer saved some of that lace so he could sew a pillow to help him through these three minutes!
Latvia 2002: Marie N. with “I Wanna”
Sometimes gimmick really does triumph. The only redeeming feature of this performance is Marie’s costume change, which takes place over the course of the last minute of the number. Seriously, that’s the only explanation for how this monotonous and bland song won Eurovision 2002. But props to Marie for rocking that salmon dress. Ain’t nothing fishy about that sultry look!
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Photo: Eurovision.tv (EBU)